Selections From My Oral Exam

(Background: In order to partake in the language program, I had to do an over-the-phone interview to assess my oral proficiency pre-departure. This is presumably so that they can compare it with a post-trip test, and prove to the government that they should keep funding them because their students make progress. It was 23 minutes of chaos.)

(Loosely translated from Mandarin Chinese) (The italicized text is my thoughts) ("XXXXXX" means Chinese words that I do not understand) (The Parts are not in chronological order.)

Part One: Pets

Examiner (Ex): So Cameron, do you or do you not have XXXXXXXXX?

Me: Crap, what is XXXXXXXXX? Um........ What could she mean? Is she talking about a school subject? A type of food? Or--


Ex: Cameron? Do you or do you not have XXXXXXXXX?

Me: Um.........  Oh god, what is she SAYING??? Um...what?

Ex: XXXXXXXXX. Dog, cat, XXXX, rabbit, XXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Me: Animals! She's talking about animals! Pets, do I have any pets. Yes, I can do this one! My family has a dog. His name is Sunny.

Ex: Ah, yes, yes, dog. XXXXXXXXX your dog XXXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: Oh no. Now what? Okay, okay, she's asking about my dog. So I'll just keep talking about the dog, everything will be okay. Yes, he is very big. He is --- ack, the color of --- His fur is white.

Ex: Ah, yes, yes, white. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: No! Stay on pets! I can do pets! Maybe I should just make something up. Will she believe me if I say I have a horse? Um..... what?


Ex: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: Bosco! I can mention Bosco, he counts as a pet. My little brother has... Oh crap, how do you say "mouse"? And what's the measure word?  *** Mandarin has measure words. You can't say "I have six apples." Every object has a unique measure word, and you just have to memorize them all. You have to say "I have six (measure-word-that-pertains-only-to-apples) apples." The sentence does not make sense without it. *** ....one (measure-word-for-humans-because-I-can't-think-of-anything-else) rat. Oh god, I hope that's close enough.


Ex: Unnerving silence


Me: Worried silence


Ex: Rat?

Me: Rat.

Ex: Ah, yes, yes, rat. More unnerving silence

Me: We can't possibly be done. Are we done? Is this possible? Really?

EX: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: WHY???????


Part Two: XXXXXXXXXX?



Ex: What do you XXXXXXXXX?

Me: What? WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT oh crap they are going to kick me out of the program for sheer incompetence


Ex: What do you XXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: What does "XXXXXXXXXX" mean? ***At this point, my dog walks over, plops himself on the rug in front of me, and starts to loudly lick his private parts***

Ex: XXXX, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: (IN ENGLISH) I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, could you say that again?

Ex: XXXXXXXXXXXX. Swimming, Basketball, XXXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXXX.

Me: ***I have a memory flash*** SPORTS! Yes. XXXXXXXXXX = Sports.  My house is near the YMCA. In the...season, season, SEASON, HOW DO YOU SAY THE SEASONS ***Memory flash*** summertime, my friends and I like to go to the pool. The YMCA has a pool.



Ex: Ah, yes, yes, YMCA. How do you XXXXXXXX distance XXXXXXXX YMCA XXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?

Me: *** I sit there in intimidated silence. Then the mailman comes to the front porch. Sunny jumps up, and starts barking wildly. My mom rushes over to hush him. I have completely lost my train of thought *** Um... Did that sentence include "YMCA"? I can't remember. Mailmen wear funny hats. 


Ex: How do you XXXXXXXX distance XXXXXXXX YMCA XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX minutes?

Me: Okay. You can do this. She's asking about traveling, sort of. We did a unit on this in class. My house is very near the YMCA. I take a walk to get there.

Ex: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX minutes?

Me: Umm..... *A full minute of panic and silence*

Ex: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX minutes?

Me: My house is very near. What does she want? Are we on a new topic?


Ex: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX minutes? Minutes. Minutes.

Me: I just have to guess. The walk from my house to the YMCA is about five minutes.

Ex: Ah, yes, yes, five minutes.

Part Three: How Hard?

Ex: Do you like Chinese?

Me: Yes.

Ex: Why?

Me: Chinese is extremely interesting. When I was young, I had a teacher who was Chinese. I listened to her, it was extremely... Adjectives, positive adjectives, why are you deserting me now??... interesting.

Ex: Ah, yes, yes, interesting. Is it hard or not hard for you to speak Chinese?

Me: ***Mediocrity is very difficult for perfectionists*** It is very hard.

Ex: Why?

Me: Really?!?!  REALLY?!?!?! Because I have this mess of Chinglish inside my head that WILL NOT stuff itself into sentence structure! Because I KNOW words, but forget them the moment I have to use them. Seriously, I pace my room at night having conversations in Chinese with my desk, but I freeze up on the stupid exams. Because I know nouns and verbs and adjectives, and you can't make a Chinese sentence solely out of nouns and verbs and adjectives. Because when I try to think in Chinese, I get the equivalent of brain freeze. Because I never understand the questions. Because I don't know how to give the answers. ***It has been a long time of me thinking this and similar things***  


Ex: Cameron? Why?

Me: Good question.  I...I... This is pathetic, Cameron. Just SAY SOMETHING! 

Ex: Why is speaking Chinese hard?

Me: Because... I have no words.